Time for back to school sales. Don’t forget to purchase the shoes, backpack, sweatshirts, jeans, etc….. We want our children to be equipped and prepared for the new school year, but have we prepared them emotionally for the events ahead? This time of year is a great reminder to invest in the long-term, emotional well-being of our kids. Achieving a balanced life is critical for everyone and too much focus on the outer appearances of our kids and not enough on their inner life can lead them to believe that the amount of material goods a person has defines who they are. It is often during a child’s middle and high school years that we begin to observe the emptiness a child feels if they buy into this superficial definition of themselves. Teens start to look for ways to fill their existential hole.

Just the mere process of living can bring about a loss of innocence and a loss of what we hold dear in our hearts and spirits. Teens experience this loss also. Through the experience of a relationship break up, parental divorce, loss of friendships and the sense of loyalty to others, teens can begin to act out this disappointment. This acting out is directed towards parents, teachers or others who appear to “know what’s best” for them. Acknowledging our teen’s reality is essential to help them navigate the seas of change and emotional maturity. It is not helpful to tell kids that because they are young they really don’t know about life and love. Their experience is very real to them and we can be sure that we will widen the communication gap if we start to lecture versus listen to our teens.

Whether your child is 5 or 15, it is important to remember that when you communicate with them you want to have a strategy in mind. The strategy you use differs based upon what the child needs at a particular stage of their development. However, no matter what age a child is they all have a consistent need to experience care and love from a parent or a significant other. I am adamant that our job as parents of teens is to help them separate from us in a way that builds some confidence in themselves and also build connections with their peers and adults in meaningful ways. We are the guide that helps them process their own feelings of joy, rejection, disappointment, success, sadness, etc. – and then we help them learn and integrate these experiences into their life.

No doubt parents have huge responsibility. One common statement I hear from parents in my counseling business is “I had the talk with my kids”, whether it was about alcohol, drugs, and/or sex. I remind parents that these concerns do not warrant a one-time talk but it is an process of talks focused around their child’s self-esteem, self-worth, and a sense of belonging and fitting in. We need to engage our kids in conversation about why they would or wouldn’t drink alcohol, or why or why not their friends drink. We need to ask our kids about what inspires them, motivates them, brings joy in their life. We need to ask our kids what helps them feel confident and worthy. Teens are much more introspective than we, as adults, give them credit for. I have had many teens in my office who would first seem to only be concerned about where the next party is, only to have them profoundly talk about their strong need to feel cared about.

Teens do give parents the old “push and pull” into and out of their lives, but I tell parents not to give up. Find people who support you, or strengthen your own spirit during this time. The turbulent teen years can be trying on us as parents but our kids need to know that they are worth the energy and investment.

I also recommend that a parent help their teen connect with someone, preferably an adult who cares about them. This person might be an aunt or an uncle, grandpa or grandma. This person might be a church youth pastor, or maybe a teacher. A counselor that can help listen to the teen, as well as be respectful of the family they live in, is also a good choice. As a parent of 2 teen girls and one kindergarten girl, I recognize the importance of “ora na azu nwa”, the African proverb, which means “it takes a village to raise a child”.

Annette Link, M.S., LPCC

Masters of Science in Child Development and Family Science with special focus on Marriage and Family Therapy & Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor in North Dakota